Saturday, July 30, 2005

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

ATV

How would you haul your ATV?

Redneck Checklist 11-20

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
20.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Small Hunting Rifle

Trailer Trash Barbie




The American Dream Trailer Trash Collectible Doll!
Conceived in a gas station bathroom, and born in the back of a station wagon in the Bowlarama parking lot on league night. This little honey was raised on the four basic food groups (meatwiches, oleo, government cheese, and beer).
Possessed of an I.Q. that makes her ancestors proud, she is the first of her family to make it through the third grade. She would have finished the fourth if she had not made the mature decision to stay home with her first born son.
Also a model working Mom, even after a hard day gathering carts at the Honk & Holler, she still finds time to carve and fry the Christmas Bologna.
She's 12" tall and has a pet (?) piggy.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

My Penthouse is nicer!

How many cinder blocks?

Redneck Checklist 1 - 10

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeurve.
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10.The primary color of your car is "bondo."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

BBQ grill

Sex Ed

Terrorist Season

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U . S . REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky,Virginia, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This little mess we have in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

Redneck poem



REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.



PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.



YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.



BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.