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Original file: at Big-boys.com
Monday, August 29, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
If Jesus was a Redneck...
If Jesus was a Redneck.... the last supper would have looked much different....
Friday, August 26, 2005
Dear Billy Bob
Dear Billy Bob,
As you know, my divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double-wide mobile home and my pickup truck.
Can you believe it? I expected her to get the double-wide, but having to give her my truck was just more than I could bear.
I had no choice, so per the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2:00 PM today. I'm sure gonna miss that truck. I had to get a picture of it before it was gone forever.
If you need to get hold of me, I'll be staying with my folks until I can find me a place.
Take care, Bubba
As you know, my divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double-wide mobile home and my pickup truck.
Can you believe it? I expected her to get the double-wide, but having to give her my truck was just more than I could bear.
I had no choice, so per the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2:00 PM today. I'm sure gonna miss that truck. I had to get a picture of it before it was gone forever.
If you need to get hold of me, I'll be staying with my folks until I can find me a place.
Take care, Bubba
Ok fine...here's more!!
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar dvision. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native". Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native". Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
Translator 2
JEET-JET - Complete sentence. Used when asking another person if they have eaten recently. Usage: "Jeet-Jet? Ima hungry"
SQUEET - Complete sentence. Used when indicating to another person that the both of you should go eat. Usage: "JeetJet? Ima hungry. Squeet"
SQUEET - Complete sentence. Used when indicating to another person that the both of you should go eat. Usage: "JeetJet? Ima hungry. Squeet"
Translator
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - the state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it toLanner."
BAMMER - (noun) - the state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvments."
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - the state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it toLanner."
BAMMER - (noun) - the state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvments."
Sunday, August 21, 2005
More on Walmartians
Wow, I just came across some REALLY funny stuff on the mystery that is Wal-mart. No, they didn't explain why free knives were being handed out in the boys' wear section the other day...but they did add some interesting insight into the folks that frequent Wally World. Click here for a rip-roaring, gut-busting redneck of a good read.....
Cold Water
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his Granddaddy prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his granddaddy...."Are these plates clean?"
His granddaddy replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his granddaddy made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
As he was leaving, his granddaddy's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Granddaddy, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, his granddaddy shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
His granddaddy replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his granddaddy made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
As he was leaving, his granddaddy's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Granddaddy, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, his granddaddy shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
Saturday, August 20, 2005
The South will rise again!
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Texas man arrested after reporting marijuana theft
SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - A Texas man was arrested on Monday after calling police to complain about the theft of his marijuana, authorities said.
Stephen Knight, 17, said three men had broken into his apartment, hogtied him with Christmas lights and stole some marijuana, along with a plasma screen television, police said.
Police are looking for the suspects. In the meantime, they arrested Knight after finding several marijuana plants growing under heat lamps in the apartment, four grams of harvested marijuana and a tablet of ecstasy, Officer Chad Ripley said.
Knight said the men barged into his home early on Monday morning demanding, "Where's the weed?," according to San Antonio police.
Stephen Knight, 17, said three men had broken into his apartment, hogtied him with Christmas lights and stole some marijuana, along with a plasma screen television, police said.
Police are looking for the suspects. In the meantime, they arrested Knight after finding several marijuana plants growing under heat lamps in the apartment, four grams of harvested marijuana and a tablet of ecstasy, Officer Chad Ripley said.
Knight said the men barged into his home early on Monday morning demanding, "Where's the weed?," according to San Antonio police.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Redneck Checklist 31 - 40
31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
37.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
39. You've been too drunk to fish.
40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
37.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
39. You've been too drunk to fish.
40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Southern Living
# Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
# Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
# If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
# Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
# Remember: "Y''all" is singular.
# "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
# There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
# People walk slower here.
# Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
# The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. # The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
# "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
# If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
# If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
# Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
# Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
# The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
# If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
# Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
# Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
# Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
# As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
# You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
# Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
# If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
# Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
# Remember: "Y''all" is singular.
# "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
# There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
# People walk slower here.
# Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
# The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. # The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
# "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
# If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
# If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
# Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
# Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
# The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
# If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
# Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
# Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
# Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
# As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
# You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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