Now that's some funny shit right thare...!!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Time fer sum edumacashun

Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Redneck Bar Signs

Monday, February 13, 2006

Happy VD!!!

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

Beer Fountain

New beer fountains have been installed at work... ENJOY!!!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Deer Season

Friday, February 10, 2006

Redneck request

A pompous minister was seated next to a redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The redneck asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we got a choice."

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

9 kids

A couple, bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor asked why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Beer Stand

This is a segment from "The Man Show"... a kid selling beer on a street corner. I'm pretty sure they are feeding him the lines, but I still LMAO!!!

"Your mouth says no, but your fat gut says yes"

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Rest in Peace

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers and the beer. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung-over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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