Now that's some funny shit right thare...!!

Redneck Towers

2007-10-24T10:36:00.001-07:00

A Hillbilly Virgin!

2007-07-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, 'Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.'

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, 'Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!'

The son says, 'Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!'

'God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!'

Cow towin'

2007-06-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Redneck Harley

2007-06-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Back to school??

2007-04-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

A Sad Day

2007-04-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

Redneck Rollercoaster

2007-04-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

My Apologies!

2007-04-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

It's a shame that we have been so remiss in keeping this blog up. We have no excuses. There is definitely not a shortage of Redneckish stuff to post......We must do better!!!!!

Time out

2006-12-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

Sex toy

2006-12-16T06:22:00.000-08:00

Still trying to decide what to get your Redneck best friend?... Worry no more!

A real tractor pull

2006-12-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Japanese Rednecks

2006-12-16T06:01:00.000-08:00

Redneck baby carriage

2006-11-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

I'm my own grandpa

2006-10-31T06:02:00.000-08:00

Muppet Style!!!

Roadsign game

2006-10-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Redneck Granny

2006-08-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

Redneck granny

Toodles??????????!!!!!!!!

Redneck injunooity

2006-08-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

New AC

2006-07-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is one way to get the AC fixed in your car :)

Walmart Greeter

2006-07-07T04:25:00.000-07:00

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart, nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

DAMN!!

2006-06-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

Upgrade!

2006-06-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

Some rednecks are high falootin'... they don't live in dem stinky trailor homes!

Redneck Bass Boat

2006-05-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you won the lotto?

2006-05-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Redneck Storm Shelter

2006-04-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

With all the tornados we have been having....I'm thinking of investing in one of these!!!

Road Block

2006-04-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Summary of the Redneck

2006-04-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

Hogs & Chicks

2006-04-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Jesus and the redneck

2006-03-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked,

"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."

Pimp my ride 2...

2006-03-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

Pimp my ride...

2006-03-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Make daddy proud

2006-03-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sons (& GRANDSONS) Who Make Their Daddy Proud

Lovely redneck women

2006-03-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

&lt;br&gt;
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Hot Pants

2006-03-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure this belongs on our redneck blog....but it had to be posted somewhere...LMAO!!

WARNING.......

DON'T SCROLL DOWN IF YOU HAVE AN AVERSION TO DAISY DUKE SHORT SHORTS......
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Mississippi Squirrel Revival

2006-03-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

Mississippi Squirrel Revival
(Ray Stevens)

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Well when I was a kid I would take a trip
Every summer down to "Mississipp,"
To visit my Granny and her antebellum world.

I'd run barefooted all-day long,
Climbing trees free as a song;
One day I happened to catch myself a squirrel.

Well I stuffed him down in an old shoe box,
And punched a couple holes in the top;
When Sunday came I snuck him in the Church.

I was sittin' way back on the very last pew
Showin' em' to my good buddy Hugh,

When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk.

Well what happened next is hard to tell;
Some thought it was Heaven others thought it was Hell,
But the fact that something was among was plain to see.

As the choir sang " I Surrender All",
The squirrel ran up Harv Newman's coveralls,

And Harv leaped to his feet and said something's got a hold on me!

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula.
It was a fight for survival
That broke out in revival.
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' "Hallelujah".

Well Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'.,
Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demon,
And Harv thought he had a weed-eater loose in his fruit-of-the-looms.

He fell to his knees to plead and beg,
And the squirrel ran out of his britches leg;
Unobserved to the other side of the room.

All the way down to the AMEN pew,
Where sat Sister Bertha Better-than-You,
Who had been watching all of the commotion with sophistic glee.

But shoot, you should have seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs.
And she jumped to her feet and said, "Lord have mercy on me."

As that squirrel mad laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess,
To sins that would make a sailor blush with shame.

She told of gossip, and church dissention,
But the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names.

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula.
It was a fight for survival
that broke out in revival.
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' "Hallelujah".

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,
And twenty-five thousand dollars got raised,
And fifty volunteered for missions in the Congo on the spot.

And even without an invitation
There were at least five hundred re-dedications,
and we all got re-baptized whether we needed it or not.

Now you've heard the Bible story I guess
Of how He parted the waters for Moses to pass.
Oh the Miracles God has wrought in this old world.

But the one I'll remember till my dying day
Is how He put that church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel.

The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula.
It was a fight for survival
That broke out in revival.
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' "Hallelujah".

(This was a big hit for Ray Stevens, and, one of his funniest! All images and text copied from Singingman7777 thanks for the funnies! I'm not trying to steal your content, just backing it up for prosperity!)

You Know You're a Redneck, When...

2006-03-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

More Mullet

2006-02-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

The Mullet...a.k.a. ape drape, beaver paddle, bi-level, camero cut, busineess in front party in back, Canadian passport, coupe longueuill, al camino, hockey hair, Kentucky waterfall, Missouri compromise, mudflap, neck warmer, ranchero, achy-breaky-bad-mistakey, soccer rocker, squirrel pelt, Tennessee tophat, and the yep-nope....

Know any more?? Please let us know....

Yoga

2006-02-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

Ancient yoga!
Picture caption reads: This version of the posture requires considerable strength in the neck, shoulders, and back, requiring years of practice to achieve. It should not be attempted without supervision!

Interestingly enough, many rednecks have been able to achieve this feat in one night!! Of course a little bit of alcholol is involved :)

Time fer sum edumacashun

2006-02-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Redneck Bar Signs

2006-02-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

Happy VD!!!

2006-02-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

Beer Fountain

2006-02-13T15:48:00.000-08:00

New beer fountains have been installed at work... ENJOY!!!

Deer Season

2006-02-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

Redneck request

2006-02-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

A pompous minister was seated next to a redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The redneck asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we got a choice."

9 kids

2006-01-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

A couple, bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor asked why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Beer Stand

2006-01-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

This is a segment from "The Man Show"... a kid selling beer on a street corner. I'm pretty sure they are feeding him the lines, but I still LMAO!!!

"Your mouth says no, but your fat gut says yes"

Rest in Peace

2006-01-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers and the beer. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung-over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Satan Sucks, Jesus Rules!

2006-01-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Penis

2006-01-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

Making the best of the situation

2006-01-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

Redneck New Year!!

PC CHRISTMAS

2005-12-23T13:17:00.000-08:00

Redneck Doorbell

2005-12-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

RING-A-DING-DING!

White Trash Christmas

2005-12-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

Listen to the White Trash Christmas song

Christmas!

2005-12-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

Merry happy redneck Christmas!!!!

Coconuts

2005-12-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

The difference between Hawaii and Mississippi...

Thermometer

2005-11-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

Don't mess with rednecks!

2005-11-23T23:42:00.000-08:00

Watch out of you bump into a redneck
wearing this t-shirt!! RUN AWAY!!!!

Dream date

2005-11-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

Alcohol & Ammo

2005-11-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

Fun Redneck Game... I hope ya shoot gud!!

Mullets!

2005-11-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

Gotta love Stewie from Family Guy LMAO

Gud eatin'

2005-11-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Redneck Bird dogs from Tennessee

2005-11-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

A true Wal-martian!!

2005-11-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Roll back, eh? I'm............speechless.....

Hickbonics

2005-11-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off"
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept
nekkid: to be unclothed
ole well: a source of petroleum
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity)
paypuh: what you write on
shevuhlay: a General Motors car
spearmint: something scientists do
stow: establishment where things are sold
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka
zackly: precisely

Redneck Nursery Rhymes

2005-10-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

(Wish I could take credit, but these are not original compositions.)

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Houseboat??

2005-10-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Now THAT'S fancy!!!

Don't drive drunk

2005-10-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Smart rednecks have designated drivers!!

More priorities

2005-10-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

Priorities

2005-10-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Redneck tee

2005-10-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

.... or aussie tee?

Redneck bride...

2005-10-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

You just know she's going to wake up and start panicking....The wedding dress was a rental and she won't get her 6 pack of Miller Lite deposit back if she can't find it...

Redneck Christmas

2005-10-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Bubba!! Did you see the rack on that reindeer?? WOOOOOWEEEEEE!!!!!

Sick Bastard 2

2005-10-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

Sick Bastard

2005-10-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

White Trash Hurricane Survival Kit

2005-10-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

Toilet Paper................................check

Bud Light...................................check

Keystone Ice................................check

Budweiser...................................check

Red Dog.....................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol..............check

Plywood to float yer chick 'n booze on......check

Next time let's all be more prepared.

Safe Driver

2005-10-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

This redneck must have read this sign....

First thing, *GASP* a redneck that can read?!! And second, *GASP* a redneck with ingenuity?!!! OMG the world will end soon... thank goodness Karen and I have our "positions of power" set up in the underworld LOL

Contributor goes native...

2005-10-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was thinking....I blame it on the moonshine, but I don't think it gets much more redneck than this.

Go U.S.A.

2005-10-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

This makes me proud to be an American

Why Bubba should not wear a thong.....

2005-10-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

WARNING..............FOR THE FAINT OF HEART...DO NOT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU WILL BE TRAUMATIZED BY LARGE NEKKIDNESS.............

Your Country Needs You!!!

2005-10-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

Do I really need to say anything??

Mullet Class

2005-10-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

Remember when mullets ruled???

If you still think that...there must be a 12 step program out there for you!!

Katrina

2005-09-30T07:21:00.000-07:00

Some rednecks in New Orleans put their foot down and made sure they wouldn't put up with looter... YAY for the rednecks!

Redneck Fairy Tale

2005-09-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

Redneck Funeral

2005-09-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

How Rednecks Get Around

2005-09-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

A COWASAKI

What if....?

2005-09-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

... Rednecks ruled the U.S.A...

North and South

2005-09-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern words to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary are the adjectives "big'ol," truck or "good'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It "don't matter" whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns; they are proficient marksmen; and, their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think they'll be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Redneck Love

2005-09-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Redneck birthday cake

2005-09-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of famous birthdays today.. just thought I'd say
Happy birthday redneck style!

Nicole Richie (24) - Redneck wanabe
Alfonso Ribeiro (34) - Carlton Banks!! LOL
Ricki Lake (37) - nice HAIR!!
Faith Hill (38) - Rednecks love her!
David James Elliot (45) - Harm! <- rednecks will name their kids this
Bill Murray (55) - Too awesome!!
Stephen King (58) - Too weird!!
Larry Hagman (74) - GENIE!!!

Along the Same Lines

2005-09-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

I think the sign pretty much says it all....baaaaaaaaaaaa!

Ode to the Kiwis

2005-09-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

Here's a redneck tribute to my Kiwi friends...LMAO....baaaaaaaa!!

Redneck Palm III

2005-09-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

What NOT to do when drunk

2005-09-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Redneck Checklist 51 - 60

2005-09-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
55. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam
mudflaps.
56. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
57. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
58. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
59. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
60. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

Shallow End of the gene pool

2005-09-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Cousin gethrolina is comin ta stay...ya best be reeeaaal welcoming like ya hear?

More White Trash Barbie..damn...

2005-09-12T03:55:00.000-07:00

Joe Cartoon

2005-09-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Watch it!

To see even more hilarous and completely gross flash movies...
visit Joe Cartoon!

Walmart Patrol

2005-09-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

Jet Ski

2005-09-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Charades

2005-09-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

Sex games

2005-09-06T21:26:00.000-07:00